House Broken husband

It's been thirty-plus years since I have worn any rings on my fingers. I wore a wedding band briefly after my marriage, but lost it at the golf driving range two weeks after the ceremony. I found it later, but then quit wearing it because it made my golf grip feel weird.
I tried again a few years later, but either my left finger was on steroids or the ring was cheap gold and shrunk in the clothes dryer. The last two decades it has been sitting in my wife's jewelry box.
Just before Christmas, two things happened. I was bequeathed another ring that belonged to my deceased father-in-law. It was beautiful and big. My wife also reminded me that my feel-good grip had not improved my golf game after 20 years and if I wanted to get a better grip on our marriage, it might be a good time to start wearing the wedding band and her father's ring.
I immediately had both rings re-sized, but had to resort to wearing a sling on my right arm to help support the big digital display. Even a bigger problem is that big rings don't go well with short and stubby fingers (See accompanying photo for proof).
It was probably SSS (Short Stubby Syndrome) that kept Lady Catherine de Berg of Pride and Prejudice from becoming a piano proficient, but I thought it was TWF (Tightly Wrapped Fingers) that was my handicap.
I had always assumed that I was adopted and that my birth parents were dyslectic Chinese who got it backward and wrapped my hands and fingers tightly as an infant instead of my feet. Genealogical Googling, however, revealed that my digital deficiencies were DNA induced and not made in China.
I thought I had the perfect solution for elongating my fingers. During the holidays, whenever family and friends wanted a closer look at my new rings, I began asking them if they would mind pulling my fingers. That didn't get the result or reaction I had expected.
The rings are set in stone, or is it stones set in rings? Either way it is a done deal. They aren't coming off again. Consequently, I am now investigating finger implants.
I am not unfamiliar with implants. I know all about dental implants for lost teeth and I already have gut implants. I had the procedure done a few years ago to better fit in with my current church peer group. Their piety is only matched by their paunchiness. My implants didn't do much for my piety, but it immediately raised my paunch profile of compatability, respectability and visibility.
The only downside is that it has curtailed my life-long passion for the Polka. The saline-solution gut implants make embarrassing sloshing sounds while I shuffle, slide, kick and step my way across the famous polka parquet floors of the world.
If you know of any proven solutions for SSS (Short Stubby Syndrome), this is one ring-wearing, paunchy polka dancer that would be interested in hearing about them.