I Hate My Hands, Any Suggestions?

Posted by HB Friday, February 5, 2010
This is the standard pose for most men when standing in front of a crowd. It is the hands-hanging-down-by-the-side mode.

As a man, I can tell you it is an awkward feeling. I currently have an ecclesiastical assignment that requires me to stand in front of a large group on a weekly basis. I don't have to speak, but my arms do the talking for me. They shout out, "Hey, look at my stiff and awkward arms hanging straight down."

To help men everywhere with the same awkward arm problem,  here are several other poses and postures you can try.

The Arms Crossed

This lets people know that you are cool and relaxed. Even if you aren't, this pose helps hide any unwanted underarm stains on your suit.

The Fireman's Carry

This pose comes in handy if you are expecting a fire in the building and you anticipate having to carry people outside. Of course it will require someone looking and standing exactly like you to complete the fire rescue drill that you learned 35 years ago. An alternative name for this pose is the "Crotch Coverer".
Touch My Elbow ...This pose serves no useful purpose other than to prove your flexibility and that you can touch your elbow. A more useful pose would involve touching your nose. More on that later.
The Cradle...A nice comfortable pose. At my age, it also comes in handy for catching any inadvertent drool.

The Stress Reliever...Discovered centuries ago by men as the perfect pose for relieving stress and anxiety. Nothing says nonchalance like hands in pockets. Occasionally you will find old gum or candy you can use from another occasion when you were also feeling nonchalant and non-attached to the occasion.
Rub The Ring...If your wife is in the audience, this is a subtle signal that you remember that your anniversary is just around the corner, but you still have no clue what to give her.
Hands Behind Back...The classic pose for some men, usually those with a criminal background who are used to being handcuffed.
Thumbs in Belt...This is a hard pose to understand, unless you are a man. It usually signifies that you are suffering abdominal stress and looking for a way to relieve it. In courser company, this is usually referred to as gas.

Hands on Hips...This is for men who still think they have a nice waistline and want to show it off. For the rest of us, it is a fantasy pose that lets us imagine we have some kind of power and authority.

Yearning for a Yacht...I call this the Jack Kennedy pose. He used it often when speaking in public. Try this pose and you might be able to envision yourself on a yacht instead of in your canoe. For that dream to come true, it will require the purchase of some deck shoes to accompany your pose and around $6.5 million dollars for the yacht. I suggest you start with the deck shoes first.
I Could be Mafia...This is good for intimidating others. They won't be able to tell if your tie is crooked or you are reaching for a gun.
The Pat Sajak...Perfect if you have aspirations of becoming a game-show host or a television anchorman.
Will Rogers...The humorist never met a man he didn't like and also knew how to discreetly scratch any itches on his backside.
Napoleon...This only works if you are short, French and named Bonaparte.
Pardon the Pick...This pose only works if the group in front of which you are standing, is small, has no cell phone cameras and you don't care what they think of you.


Blog Archive

Thru the lens and life of HB

I'm an apprentice senior citizen who can't wait for my old-man discounts to kick in. At one time, HB stood for Healthy Baby, Hunky Body, Happy Bridegroom, HouseBroken and Half-Baked. My current HB status is Has-Been. A few more Happy Birthdays and Hardly Breathing can't be too far away. Then, hopefully it will be Heaven Bound. I will keep you posted.

Hefty Baby..................Healthy Boy

Hefty Baby..................Healthy Boy

Happy Bridegroom...Hare-Brained

Happy Bridegroom...Hare-Brained

Housebroken...........Has Been

Housebroken...........Has Been