My Almost Obituary and Viewing

Posted by HB Thursday, March 24, 2011
Based on what I expected to happen when BYU was making a run to the Final Four in basketball a few weeks ago, I  thought it would be prudent to let my Cougar Sportsline subscribers know what to expect if it did happen. Below is my just -in -case obituary and to the left is a picture of how I envision my viewing.


Harold Brent Arnett

1948 - 2011

HB Arnett was born July 22, 1948 in Safford, Arizona. He passed away Saturday, March 26, 2011 in Orem, Utah in a fit of fantasy brought on by excessive euphoria. His passing was in keeping with his life-long promise of dying and going to heaven if a BYU basketball team ever went to the Final Four in his lifetime.

He lived what he described as a semi-decent life, but there are plenty of family and friends that still debate the part about his going to heaven.

He spent most of his adult life writing Cougar Sportsline, a weekly publication that has been described at worst as a revolting rag, and at best, as a weekly testament to his wife’s constant incredulity that anybody who held a real job and seemed normal would actually send and spend money to read what he wrote.

A viewing will be held at Sleepy Ridge Golf Course in Orem where friends and family will be able to fib and fabricate with impunity about what a good golfer he was.

Those in attendance at the viewing are encouraged to look for lost golf balls with the bold "HB" marking on them and return them to the family to sell. After deducting funeral expenses, mostly for Doritos and Dr Pepper, the remaining funds will be deposited in a trust fund set up in a random financial institution that doesn’t contain the name Arnett in it.

HB always figured that he lost close to 10,000 balls in his 40 years of golfing. At 25¢ a ball, that should at least buy the 1998 Subaru sedan he saw listed last week in Capitalist.

The car will be offered in Arnett's name to either Jabari Parker or Nick Emery, depending on which prospect commits first to BYU.

Interment will be in the lot behind the Arnett home where he will be buried beside two family dogs and three family cats who preceded him in death.

The last dog died when she was accidently hit by a baseball bat which Arnett threw last November when BYU gave away a sure win over Utah in football. In a last acquiescence to his final wishes, Arnett will be buried with a bag of Doritos and a six pack of Dr Pepper, as referenced above. He was sure those products would be available in heaven, but wasn’t so sure of their availability where he was headed.

Arnett's Cougar Sportsline newsletter will continue to be published by family members who remain behind. Current subscribers can expect to still read about BYU sports, but can also expect expanded coverage on crocheting, cooking and tips on how to cultivate culture despite being reared and raised by a crotchety old man.

Arnett leaves behind his wife, Penee. If any funds are left over from the Cougar Car slush fund, those dollars will go to her for dating money to help facilitate a well deserved second chance at finding a husband who is kind, considerate, humble, wealthy, sensitive and loves ball room dancing.

If she actually finds such a man, you should also expect to see her died-and-gone-to- heaven obituary.

1 Responses to My Almost Obituary and Viewing

  1. Anonymous Says:
  2. AAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!! The knees. Where's censorship when we need it.


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Thru the lens and life of HB

I'm an apprentice senior citizen who can't wait for my old-man discounts to kick in. At one time, HB stood for Healthy Baby, Hunky Body, Happy Bridegroom, HouseBroken and Half-Baked. My current HB status is Has-Been. A few more Happy Birthdays and Hardly Breathing can't be too far away. Then, hopefully it will be Heaven Bound. I will keep you posted.

Hefty Baby..................Healthy Boy

Hefty Baby..................Healthy Boy

Happy Bridegroom...Hare-Brained

Happy Bridegroom...Hare-Brained

Housebroken...........Has Been

Housebroken...........Has Been